


admin c (or at least, what's left him)

by Somethin_Strange



Category: HLVRAI - Fandom, Half Life VR But The AI Is Self-Aware
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canonical Character Death, Confusing Emotions, Death, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Evil VRV G-Man, G-Man is his own warning, Grief/Mourning, HLVRV AU, Happy Ending, Heavy Angst, If you haven't read HLVRV this will make no sense, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Moving On, can't tag Gordon because the tags arent seperated, mourning someone you hated
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-06
Updated: 2020-09-06
Packaged: 2021-03-06 21:28:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,356
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26315689
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Somethin_Strange/pseuds/Somethin_Strange
Summary: They’d won, they’d won, they’d won.The G-Man is dead.God damn it, they’d WON.So why did it hurt so badly?----------------------------------------A small extra scene for the ending of VRV about Tommy, Doc, The G-Man, and moving on.
Relationships: Tommy Coolatta & Gordon Freeman, Tommy Coolatta & The G-Man
Comments: 6
Kudos: 24





	admin c (or at least, what's left him)

**Author's Note:**

> Warning: this is heavy, okay?  
> Now's your last chance to back out if you don't like discussions of death, grief, manipulation, and bad parenting.  
> But this is also a story of moving on and acceptance.  
> Take care of yourselves, alright?

_How do you mourn someone you hated?_

Thomas, Tommy, Admin C sits alone in an empty hallway, in front of a large crack in the concrete. Red-orange light leaked in from somewhere, bathing the room in the color of blood.

They’d won. 

G-Man was dead, Doc had his family back, GORDON was back, everyone got to go home after a huge party.

Hooray.

They’d won, they’d won, they’d won.

The G-Man is dead.

God damn it, they’d _won_.

So why did it hurt so badly?

So Thomas sits in front of that crack in the concrete, curled up and shaking. He’s sitting still, yet it feels like the room is spinning and rising and falling and twisting-

He put a hand over his mouth as nausea set in.

He’s on a rollercoaster of emotions, randomly swinging this way and that and he _hates_ it. 

Anger.

Disgust.

Giddy relief.

Heartache.

Numbness.

Confusion, confusion, confusion.

Couldn’t his brain just pick a side?

Thomas laughed a bitter laugh that slowly devolved into sobs.

Why was this happening to him?

He traced the crack in the floor and dust collected on his fingertips. It almost seemed like nothing special; Just another crack in concrete. Caused by anything.

Anything but an evil father, screaming as he’s dragged down to the void.

God, the memory of that moment makes Thomas shiver. His father, screaming curses and hatred, sucked into the dirt by his employers. The feeling of the G-Man’s control fading.

Nobody noticing how hard Tommy was shaking.

The current Thomas buried his head in his hands.

“I hate you,” Thomas said into the empty hall.

He knew, rationally, that his father couldn’t hear him. How could he? 

But Thomas spoke anyway, raising his head weakly.

“I _hate_ you. Even after you’re dead, you j-you just CAN’T leave me alone.”

The emptiness didn’t respond.

“W-why do I even feel like this? I hated you…”

Behind him, a voice cleared its throat.

“Uh. Hey.”

Thomas just about leapt out of his skin as his heart skipped a beat in panic. He whipped his head around, half expecting to see his father-

But no.

Doc stood a few feet behind him, hands in his pockets.

Tommy shifted uncomfortably. “A-ah. Um. Hello, Doc.”

“...Hey. You okay?”

“Oh, yes, I-I’m fine! I-I...I…” Tommy lied, the fake smile on his face slowly falling away. “I’m…”

The admin sighed, facepalming.

Might as well add embarrassment to the emotional rollercoaster, because he was totally having a good enough time already.

Doc quietly sat down next to him, tilting his head slightly.

“Wanna talk about it?”

Tommy broke.

“I-it’s just. I hated my father. I LOATHED him,” he explained, “But I still-I still feel awful now that he’s gone.”

“Why?”

Tommy chuckled sardonically. “Heck if I know.”

Doc hummed in response. “Do you miss him?”

“What?” The older scientist looked at him like he’d grown another head. “I-I-I’d rather join him in the void th-than bring him back.”

“Me too, haha. So. What _are_ you feeling?”

Thomas paused, having to actually think about the answer.

“Relief,” he finally decided, “A lot of relief. A-And satisfaction. I’m al-I’m also sorta...numb.”

“Anything else?”

“...Confusion. Disgust because I’m related to him.”

Doc put a hand on the admin’s shoulder. “Anything else?”

Tommy took a deep, shuddering breath and continued.

“A-a lot of anger. And sadness. I thi-I think that’s all I have. For now.”

There was a silence. Not an uncomfortable one, just one to let Tommy collect his thoughts again.

“It’s not fair.”

He clutched his knees closer to him, saying nothing more. The younger scientist tilted his head.

“What isn’t?”

“A-all the other Tommys. Their fathers-their fathers love them. Their fathers don’t hurt them or ste-or steal their friends. Their fathers are _good_.”

The admin turned to Doc with tears in his eyes.

“ **_So why did mine have to be bad?_ **”

“Oh, Tommy…” Doc put his hand on the admin’s shoulder.

Thomas ran a hand through his hair. “Wa-was I not a good enough son? Could I have done better? So why was mine...” He made a gesture with his hands in an attempt to sum up his father.

“No, this wasn’t your fault-”

“If I had just taken his offer, then none of this would’ve happened. All of it’s my fault, Gordon!” Tears were streaming down his face now. “Why can’t anybody see that?”

“Tommy-”

“And part o-of me was hoping that maybe. Maybe if I tried harder, I-I-I could fix things between us.” Thomas was rambling now, but he just couldn’t seem to stop. “Maybe if I-if I had done things differently, then I could have a good dad too.”

“Tommy…”

“But now there’s no chance of that happening. There’s no chance o-of us EVER making up because he’s gone.”

Doc took his goggles off and looked his friend directly in the eye.

“ **_Tommy, I understand._ **”

_Of course he did. DUH, Thomas_ , the admin reprimanded himself, _don’t you remember what his bad ending even was? What he gained back tonight?_

_He probably gets it better than you do._

Doc snapped his fingers.

“Hey. Earth to Tommy.”

The admin shook himself out of his thoughts. “O-oh, yes?”

“That whole thing about self-blame. I’ve been there, you know? Maybe if I’d re-checked our calculations, maybe if I’d stopped them from doing this experiment, maybe maybe maybe.”

Doc gave a sad smile.

“But what you need to know? Is that it’s not your fault. He was an awful guy for no good reason who didn’t deserve a son like you.”

“He said I-I was pathetic and worthless.”

“You are none of those things. Tommy, everybody cares about you so much. You’re so strong and you’ll get through this. I wouldn’t wish loss on anyone, man. I know how much it sucks. Even if he was an awful guy, you still have the right to mourn him.”

“I’m not mourning him,” Tommy said softly. “I’m mourning what we never had.”

A pause.

“Deep thoughts.”

The admin laughed at that. “Oh, be quiet.”

“I think…” Tommy started haltingly, “I think a-a part of me is. Um. Missing now. A-and it’s never going to come back.”

“These things can’t just be mended, man.” Doc smiled sadly. “I wish you could just poof it away with the flick of a wand, but it just doesn’t work like that.”

“It w-won’t be for a while but...I think I’m going to be o-okay again.”

“You will be! I believe in you.”

“I...I-I’m still scared that I’m going to _become_ him though.”

Doc grinned. “Hey. Do you _want_ to be like him?”

“ _N-no!_ ” Tommy spluttered. “O-of course I don’t!”

The younger scientist spread his hands. “Then viola, you won’t become him. Bad people aren’t scared about becoming bad people. You’re nothing like him and he’s nothing like you.”

Tommy blinked emptily. “That...a-actually makes sense.”

Doc laughed. “Let’s get back to the party, shall we? I think your Gordon’s looking for you.”

“Talking to y-Talking to you really helped, Doc.” Tommy wiped away the tears from his eyes, giving a faint smile. “Thank you.”

“I’ll be waiting outside, okay?”

“Alright.”

Doc turned and left, whistling as he walked.

And yet again, Thomas was alone.

The admin turned back to the spot where his father died.

“S-so. Um. As I was saying.”

He cleared his throat, standing up and brushing himself off.

“I-I-I hope you’re burning in hell. Or, technically, the void, b-but still.”

Silence.

“I’m never becoming you. I-I’m never being like you.”

Silence.

“And I don’t fo-forgive you. What happened to me was NOT my fault, y-you were just an awful father.”

Silence.

“But I-I’m ready to move on. I have my-my friends and a bright new future.”

Silence.

“You have nothing.”

Silence.

“Goodbye Dad.”

Silence.

“Actually, goodbye G-Man. I’m n-not your son anymore.”

Silence.

“I am Thomas Coolatta.”

Silence.

“And I-I’m not coming back.”

  
  


The admin turned around and left.

As the darkness nipped at his heels, he joined Doc on the ship.

And quick as wind, the sun finally set.

Without the faintest whisper, night came.

And Thomas didn’t once look back.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed this. It was really cathartic for me to write!  
> Have a fantastic day/night/whenever-you're-reading-this, okay?  
> <3


End file.
